you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
