I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
