I'm lost and stupid without you.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
