her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
