drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
i think i just lost a toe
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize