I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
