also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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