Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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