I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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