Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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