i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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