so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
