There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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