so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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