I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
