Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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