I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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