yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
