I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
