I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
