remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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