I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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