Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
