I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
