My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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