I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize