How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
