tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
