So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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