I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
