When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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