gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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