You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If I die, sorry about rent.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
