John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
