this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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