I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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