He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
