Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
