did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
