if you like me you must not know who I am
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize