Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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