I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
