I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I met the friendliest cop last night
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
