I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
we're so committed to being not committed
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
