I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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