between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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