Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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