You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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