just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
