My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
