An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize