I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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