if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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