Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
my shit smells like andre
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
