do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
