yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
