Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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