Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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