so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize