You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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