I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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