I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
