At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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