Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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