Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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