He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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