She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
