I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize