I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
